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Michael Vick to Join PETA

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Leavenworth, KS: Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been released from the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas, and will finish the last two months of his 23 month sentence for dogfighting under home confinement. Vick will travel to Hampton, Virginia, and is to begin working for a Michael Vickconstruction firm while waiting to hear whether or not the NFL plans to reinstate him after placing him on indefinite suspension after his conviction nearly two years ago.

   Reportedly, Vick’s first plan is to stop at a pet store and see if he can locate a canine companion.

   “It’s going to be lonely,” stated Vick, referring to being placed under house arrest. “I’m going to need a friend.”

   Vick implied that this friend would not serve the same purposes as similar “friends” in his past. Namely, he had no plans to electrocute his new friend, even if he pee pees on the carpet or poops on Mr. Vick’s Prada comforter. Instead, Vick plans to place trusted human friends in his residence with instructions to immediately hold an intervention if they see Vick attempting to bash his new friend’s brains in with a claw hammer, or place battery cables on their nipples (if he is fortunate enough to bring home a female canine companion).

   To this end, his human friends will also be equipped with tasers in case the newly prison-pumped Vick plans to dispatch of them by cutting them with a prison fashioned knife before they have a chance to hold an intervention in an attempt to thwart his blood lust to destroy canine lives.

   Friends of Strays has agreed to provide Mr. Vick with a tour of their facilities so that he can take his time in choosing his next pet. Virginia police will also be on hand to assure that Mr. Vick does not go into a frenzy at the sight of such animals so soon after his release. It is not yet known if the sight of a living dog not engaged in a fight to the death will confuse Mr. Vick, who scored very low on the Wonderlic intelligence test he took before he was drafted into the NFL. In fact, it’s not well known that one of the strategies Vick’s lawyers attempted to use during his initial trial was an attempt to portray Vick as severely mentally handicapped, incapable of even simple tasks such as wiping himself after using the restroom. This strategy was abandoned once it was evident that Vick could count money.

   Despite all of the hurdles that must still be cleared, it is hoped that Mr. Vick has reformed and can keep a canine companion without dismembering it. Michael Vick plans to show his remorse by joining PETA in order to allow members to punch him in the gut once a week. He hopes that this will alleviate tensions that PETA members have about him ever being allowed on a football field. “It was either this, or state to the world that I would be involved in a professional cricket league and instead play football. We bailed on that idea, considering at least one member of PETA may know what football actually is,” stated Mr. Vick.

   Time will tell, but elite athletes always get the benefit of the doubt. So pray for Michael Vick. And pray for the poor animal that has the misfortune of being Vick’s beta test canine companion.

-article shared by J-Sin & Steve Elle

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