New Haven, CT: In a study recently released by researchers at Yale University, it was revealed that nine out of every ten people in the United States are spending the equivalent of a forty hour work week in front of the television. The study attempted to prove that extensive television viewing has negative health effects, namely stupidity. This realization is alarming to many of the nation’s intellectuals.
“Forty hours a week? My god!” exclaimed Patrick Limmel, an American Literature Professor at New York University. “No wonder there are so many idiots.”
“It doesn’t surprise me,” said Abigail Levy, an intern with the National Jewish-Puerto Rican Anti-Defamation League based out of Des Moines, Iowa. “Frankly, I believe that the nation’s intellectual character is on its way to extinction. Personally, I blame it on American Idol.”
Others aren’t so sure that excessive television viewing is harmful to their intellectual health.
“Ain’t nothing wrong with lots of T.V.,” stated Elmore Burnstile, 51, a convenience store employee from Ocala, Florida. “I been watchin’ it for darn near fifty-two years. Wait, no, fifty-one, and I’m the smartest one in my family.”
According to Mr. Burnstile, he watches an average of seven hours of television a day if time permits. His wife and two daughters watch an equal amount. “Hell, I done thought about quitting my job and collectin’ unemployment just so’s I don’t miss any television,” whispered Burnstile.
Asked if the family spent any time reading, Mr. Burnstile laughed. “Reading? Ain’t nobody I know a reader. Except for that feller that lives at the end of my block. And he’s a weirdo.”
Julie Ann Millhaven, a forty-something homemaker from Albany, New York agrees with Mr. Burnstile. “Why would I read a book when there’s three televisions in the house? I mean, sorry, but this ain’t 1970 when there wasn’t no television. Back then, people read books and that was fine and dandy. But this here’s the future and I ain’t missin’ my Desperate Housewives to read some stupid book about history or what-not.”
Mrs. Millhaven estimates that she is able to squeeze thirty to thirty-five hours of television into her weekly domestic workload. “When the darn kids move out and I ain’t got to clean up after them no more, you can bet I’ll be watching more television than you can shake a stick at.”
“If you listen closely,” said Joseph Abercrombie, a writer from Portland, Oregon, “you can hear the book publishers weeping.”