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Terrell Owens Set to Create 33rd NFL Team


Dallas, TX: After being summarily released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday, Terrell Owens and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus sought out teams willing to offer the outspoken receiver a long term contract. When no contract was forthcoming by Friday morning, Owens called a press conference to announce Terrell Owenshis intention to start his own team.

   “I don’t need ya’ll,” said Owens, apparently referring to team owners unwilling to take a gamble on the notorious wide receiver.  “I’ll start my own damn team and we’ll win the Super Bowl every damn year. Ya’ll ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of haters.”

   Owens is looking for financing to build a stadium in Alexander City, Alabama, a city of approximately 15,000 and, coincidentally, the city of his birth. City officials have expressed great interest in Owen’s plans, as it will “let people know that Alexander City is as great as any of them other cities – like New York or Tallahassee,” according to the city’s mayor, Barbara Young.

   “Does your have a team name yet?” asked Steven Levy of the St. Petersburg Times.

   “Not yet,” replied Owens. “I do like the sound of ‘The Alexander City Apollos’.”

   “Apollos?” asked Levy.  “Is there a reason you chose the name?”

   “Yeah,” answered Owens. “Apollo was the Greek God of light and the sun, as well as truth, music, and poetry. And when I smile, I bring light upon the world. And I tell the truth, so I’m truthful. I also write poems sometimes, and they’re really, really good.”

   “Have you found any other players who have expressed interest in joining your, um, team?” asked Joe Toleffson, a reporter with the Chicago Sun-Times.

   “As a matter of fact, I have,” said Owens proudly. “Pacman Jones, for one. He’s going to be our number one cornerback if he stays out of jail. Lawrence Phillips for running back – just as soon as I can find him. And Todd Marinovich will be joining us when he gets out of rehab. He’ll be throwing deep to me, the number one wide receiver in the world, as well as President and General Manager.”

   “Any interest in bringing Matt Millen into the fold?” asked Levy.

   “Yeah,” said Owens. “He’s going to be our middle linebacker if I can’t get Ray Lewis.”

   Owens admits that he still has a number of details to work out, but he is confident of the eventual success.

   “Ya’ll will see. By this time next year, I’ll be in Disney World after winning the Super Bowl singlehandedly. So stop playa hatin’!”


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