Stamford, CT: This past week marked a turning point in human interaction with their simian friends, as a 200 pound chimpanzee named Travis did his best Britany Spears impression by vandalizing cars, attacking strange women, and daring the police to stop him.
Unlike the pop star, unfortunately, this diaper-wearing bachelor was stabbed, beaten, and then shot before retreating back into his room to pass away in solace. Unlike the Culkins, Spears’, Olsens, and Platos of the world, Travis was not given the chance to enter into a psychiatric ward or a rehab center. He was, however, given Xanax.
In the aftermath of this sad ordeal, socially conscious primates the world over have begun rallying for equal rights. Leading the charge is Bubbles, the left hand monkey-man to pop sensation Michael Jackson. Using a keyboard linked to a voice emulator, Bubbles stated, “Bubbles sad. All Bubbles sad. All Bubbles are aware.”
With this mantra, other socially conscious simians who, of course, watch television, have taken to the streets and media outlets to rally against inequality. “Gun ouch. Gun bad,” emulated Bubbles.
The most visible activists in this campaign for equality have been Bubbles, Suzy Kardashian, Sean Penn, that monkey from George of the Jungle, and Matt Damon.