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Horses More Dangerous Than Drugs


London, UK: A British boffin has caused controversy this week with his new theory on the dangers of drugs. Professor David J. Nutt, writing in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, has stated that, according to statistics, one is more likely to die from riding a horse than from taking Ecstasy.

   Apparently, one out of every three hundred and fifty horse related accidents results in severe injury or death. This compares to the figures for Ecstasy use, Riding doesn't kill people, horses kill peoplewhere the risk of harm is only one in ten thousand.

   The drug, also known as MDMA, E, or X, which gives the user a feeling of euphoria and boundless “loved-up” energy, saw a massive rise in its popularity in the 1990’s, when it became the Ravers drug of choice. The drug itself, however, dates back to the 1940’s, where German physicians used it as a medical treatment.

   Horses, on the other hand, have no known medicinal properties, and even just attempting to swallow one can result in serious throat blockage. The most famous case of this is the old woman who swallowed a fly. Although she ingested any number of insects and animals, it was only when she swallowed a horse that she became dead (of course).

   In a week where the British Government refused to downgrade the ‘Danger Level’ of Ecstasy from class ‘A’ to class ‘B’, it seems something of an oversight that horses are not only legal, but children as young as two years old are often given books showing pictures of this deadly beast. Many children are actively encouraged by their parents to stroke, feed, and even ride these quadrapedic death monsters.

   As if that is not enough of a scandal, members of the German, sorry, British Royal Family itself are often shown in close proximity to these animals, even going so far as to own and prance about on the hoofed murder-beasts in sporting events. Several members of the family even look like horses. Surely this is just sending the wrong message to our children, and our children’s children…and our children’s children’s children.

   Another argument that seems to have fallen on deaf ears is that riding horses can lead to harder things, like camels and, in extreme cases, ostriches and even elephants.

    Somehow, these maned bringers of mayhem still have a public image that flies in the face of the facts. This reporter even remembers receiving a card for his eighth birthday which had a picture of one of these equine assassins on the front, with the words ‘to our special boy, happy birthday’. Surely it would have been more appropriate if the card had been emblazoned with the words, “I am going to ‘effing kill you”.

   In other drug related news, ex-leaders of Brazil, Columbia, and Mexico have joined together to try to convince the international community to decriminalize marijuana. They have asked for this twice in the same week, which goes to show what damned good sh*t they must be smoking. In defense of the drug, they have stated that it does not affect the memory, or the lungs, or the memory.

   Also this week, farcical so called research entirely unsupported by any real evidence also has suggested that smoking spliffs can lead to testicular cancer, but only in males. Apparently the testicles have receptors for THC (the active ingredient in Cannabis), and that toking on the odd fatty can upset the bodies delicate balance and lead to cancer. Research implies that this may even be the origin of the particular type of cannabis known as ‘Nepalese Temple Balls’.

   We asked a leading horse for a comment on the whole drug issue, but being the vicious psycho freak that it is, it refused to comment.

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