New York, NY: In the past week, it has been revealed that New York Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez tested positive for banned performance-enhancing substances as a part of random, anonymous drug testing during the 2003 season. After the story was revealed, Rodriguez admitted to using performance enhancers between 2001 and 2003; however, Inept Owl reporters have obtained copies of a more recent drug test and realized that the entire story has not yet come out.
Buried amongst all the scientific mumbo-jumbo that, quite frankly, leaves us completely mystified, Owl staff found mention of one substance not previously listed in reports elsewhere. This compound was found by blood-testing, as it apparently disappears once it passes through the kidneys and mixes with urine. The substance, which is labeled “steroid: undetectable compound, kidney-based” or SUCK for short, was found in Rodriguez’s blood sample.
A source close to the player, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told Owl reporters, “Oh yeah… A-Rod has been full of SUCK for years. If there’s a big game, SUCK. In October, there’s a constant stream of SUCK in his veins. In the 2006 ALDS against Detroit, he was so full of SUCK it boggles the mind. At this point, there’s concern that it’s actually an addiction; everything he is, and everything he does, has ‘SUCK’ written all over it.”
Of course, Rodriguez has his share of defenders in this controversy. Some claim that the test results cannot possibly be real, as the levels of SUCK in his blood would be fatal to most humans. “There’s no way someone could have that much SUCK in them and still function as a human being,” protested Dr. Fealgud, the Yankees’ team doctor. “It’s just not possible.” When reporters pointed out that Rodriguez had all the obvious indications of SUCK (bluish lips, puffed-out cheeks, difficulty maintaining eye contact), the doctor declined further comment.
Still others blame the intense pressure. Lifelong Yankees fan Heywood Jablome told our reporters, “Listen, do you understand what pressure the guy is under? He has to live up to a contract worth hundreds of millions of dollars. He was anointed as the Baseball Jesus back when he played for Seattle—and now he plays for the biggest franchise in the known universe. With the pressure of all that, who wouldn’t turn to SUCK? He’s down on his knees after every game, begging for the tools to improve his game. He doesn’t want to blow another opportunity; they only come every so often.”
Currently, A-Rod faces no sanctions for his penchant for the substance; in Major League Baseball, there is no rule prohibiting SUCK. That may change as fans clamor for a purer and more entertaining game, one that lacks SUCK altogether. Unfortunately, as long as baseball keeps its interminably long season, it is anticipated that SUCK will remain an integral part of the game.