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Fisticuffs For Jesus


     It was recently announced by UFC that Kurt Warner and Troy Polamalu will be engaging in a cage fight to determine which Christian athlete is more devout. This came about after the recent Super Bowl when Warner and Polamalu were kneeling side by side after the game in a show of devotion to their Christian faith. Apparently when Warner whispered “Heavenly father, thank you for the blessing of this day”, Polamalu misheard Let's Get It On!“Your long hair makes you look like a Christian pussy you Tongan freak”, or at least said he did. Polamalu’s agent was contacted shortly after the game, and a deal was brokered shortly before his visit to Disneyworld. As we go to press it is still to be determined what this has to do with being more devout.

   Warner, who is known to sprinkle the word “God” or “Jesus” into every sentence, maintained his innocence, yet had this to say during fight preparations:

   “When I was first contacted by UFC, I thanked God, of course. Brenda and I had been talking to Jesus, who’s a close, personal friend of mine, the night before and He told me that to prove my love to Him, I had to beat the Shiite out of Troy, even though he’s a gosh darned liar.” When asked if he was told why he had to do this, Warner responded with a smile, “The Lord works in mysterious ways”.

   When told of this, the normally soft-spoken Polamalu had this to say:


   When pressed, Polamalu then offered this during a brief interview:

   Q: Troy, this is slightly off topic, by why do you sound like Michael Jackson?

   A: I’ve never admitted this publicly before, but I’m a eunuch.

   Q: What? A eunuch…as in your testicles have been removed?

   A: Yes.

   Q: Why? Could you elaborate?

   A: No.

   Polomalu then refused to answer any further questions.

   Warner continued preparations at the Kaballah Center in L.A., ostensibly to avoid publicity. He also said that his actions would speak louder than his words but, because he just can’t shut up, he did offer the following comment:

   “My goal is simply to prove my devotion to my savior Jesus Christ by uttering his name at least every 8 words. He’s got a bit of an ego you know, and likes to hear the “J” word no less than 500 times a day from every one of his disciples. And even though his dad (and by extension, Jesus) is all knowing and all good, he’s a little bit insecure and thus he needs to be reassured that if I make a good pass, or we happen to win a game, it was really him. Since I clearly don’t want to go to hell, even though the hotties down there, pun intended by the way, are way sexier then Brenda, I comply. Oh, and he told me to pummel Polamalu like he’s a cheap whore. That’s assuming I’m capable of domestic violence, of course.”

   The fight is currently set for February 30th.


Additional reporting by Harry Ezkreck.

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