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What About the Birds?


New York, NY: With all the hoopla surrounding US Airways Flight 1549 landing safely in the Hudson River, no one has mentioned the parallel tragedy that took place at the same time: dead birds. And not just any dead birds. It has been confirmed that the birds that took out both engines of Flight 1549 were from a flock of Canadian Geese.

   In recent studies conducted at the Case Western Ornithological Masters Studies program, Canadian Geese (Branta canadensis) were found to have the IQ Canadian Geese meth-headssimilar to that of orangutans and some chimpanzees. These amazing birds were able to learn and respond to commands such as ‘sit’, ‘stay’, ‘fly’, and ‘poop’ after only 3 days of training and coaching.

   Two participants in the study, goslings Herman and Esther, correctly identified 375 of the 478 items that they were presented in the Minnesota Multiphasic (MMPI-A), testing better than many primates and even some mildly retarded human children. They also revealed no disorders when tested using the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory (MCMI-III). Clinical Psychologist Barry McCokkener insisted there must have been some kind of trick involved since he himself had psychoses revealed by the MCMI-III.

   Unfortunately, the testing did not reveal what has long been rumored, specifically that these birds are predisposed with an addiction to jet fuel.

   Known as ‘goose juice’ in aviation circles, jet fuel contains an Asian compound [jetafuelawil phukayooup] known to be highly addictive to birds of the phylum Chordata. Most birds of this phylum (such as most ducks) cannot fly high enough to present much problem to jet airliners, but geese, in search of that elusive goose juice in the sky, often flock to the twisty turbines in search of that contact high. Instead, they meet their maker much like the kamikazes of World War II. Not the kind of contact they were wishing for.

   So yes, salute the captain of Flight 1549. But do not pretend that this is no tragedy just because there was no loss of human life. There were more Herman’s and Esther’s in that flock. It’s tragic that they are no longer here to decorate our cars; to hang out on the runway; to socialize with their primate friends; most tragically, to never again taste the sweet nectar of jetafuelawil phukayooup.

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