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Bloomberg to Ban Public Gas Emissions


New York, NY: Michael Bloomberg, the über-rich mayor of New York City, has put forth another measure in an effort to decrease the air pollution levels in the Big Apple – a citywide ban on the release of bodily gases in public places. Some see this as an indicator that Bloomberg has let his power go to his head, while others widely praise his decision. A spokesperson for Bloomberg stated that the mayor is still working on getting approval for fines and/or jail time for repeat gaseous offenders.

    “So, wait a minute? First I can’t smoke in my favourite pub, and now I can’t even fart?” asks John Duggan, a construction worker from Queens. “SinceMayor Bloomberg Smells Something Stinky when did New York become so lame?”

   “New York is most certainly not lame,” responded the Mayor Bloomberg in a news conference from City Hall. “I just think it’s time to clear up the air. It’s time that New York led the way as a genuine clean air city. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to walk down the sidewalk and come across a fart so putrid that I can almost taste it.”

   “What if I have beans for lunch?” asks Mr. Duggan’s coworker, Vladimir Smorkesoff. “Am I supposed to hold my gas in until I get home?”

   Bloomberg had an answer to this nagging question immediately. “We’re banning beans, too. We’re cutting the head off of the snake, so to speak.”

   According to the mayor’s office, possessing a single can of beans will be classified as a misdemeanor. Possessing three cans or more, on the other hand, will be categorized as a felony, punishable by up to five years in prison.

   “How can somebody ban beans?” asked Mary Hartgott, the Treasurer for the Hartford, CT.-based Bean Lovers of America. “Bloomberg has gone too far this time. If he bans beans, I’ll make sure that my fellow ‘beanies’ boycott New York City and stop buying Yankees memorabilia until he lifts the ban.”

   “Like I care if a farter boycotts the city,” retorted Bloomberg with a sarcastic edge. “Oh, no, ‘poopy pants’ won’t buy a ‘I Love New York’ shirt in Times Square like the rest of the idiot tourists. What are we going to do?”

   Ms. Hartgott was unable to respond to Bloomberg’s sarcastic remarks, due to her unfortunate and untimely death in a house fire, which, according to Hartford, CT Fire Chief Darrell Conaught  was caused by a build-up of methane gases.

   Bloomberg expects the ban to be put into effect no later than February 1st, 2009.

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