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Jeff Bridges Eats Oscar

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Jeff Bridges wins an honorary Oscar for ‘Best Cumulative Eating’ in movies such as Fearless, The Contender and others.

 

   Jeff Bridges will be receiving an honorary Oscar for Best Cumulative Eating at the next Academy Awards ceremony. The Oscar will be presented by friend and fellow glutton, John Goodman. Bridges Jeff Bridgesand Goodman both often got baked and then did some baking on the set of The Big Lebowski. 

   Jeff Bridges is a gourmet. I don’t know this to be explicitly true nor do I know the man, but I’ve nevertheless surmised that Jeff Bridges loves food. I’ve come to this conclusion after doing a comprehensive, globetrotting study of Jeff Bridges gastronomical idiosyncrasies and abilities on film. Ok, perhaps I’m kidding about the globetrotting aspect.

   I’ve never seen a more convincing eater of food than Jeff Bridges. Watch any film of his where he’s eating (Fearless and The Contender are personal favorites) and you can’t help but think:

a)    The guy is really eating, and

b)    The guy really enjoys his food

    Even when he chokes on food or is on the verge of anaphylactic shock (as in Fearless), it’s clear that Mr. Bridges has a special talent. This talent is the ability to eat food in a loud, demonstrative manner while incredibly and simultaneously not being annoying. In saying this, I’m revealing a personal displeasure of mine: noisy eaters. Noisy eating is its own form of waterboarding. It’s right up (or down based on your perspective) there with dogs licking their bowls clean as a height of annoyance.

   To offer an example of Mr. Bridges gustatory expertise in all aspects of consumption just take a gander at the following exchange excerpted from a mere five minutes of The Contender: 

Bridges: “You know what this is? That’s a shark steak sandwich.F***ing shark steak.” [eyes sandwich as if he’s seriously in love]

Bridges: “You want half?”

Slater: “Uh, no, thank you.”

Bridges[skeptically]: “Are you a vegan?”

[beat]Had lunch?”

Slater: “No. Uh–“

Bridges: “So you choose not to break bread with the president of the United States?”

Slater:[Laughs]”Thank you.” [acquiesces – takes half]

Bridges: “That’s good, isn’t it?”

Slater: “Mm-hmm.”

Seconds later…

Bridges[joyously masticating]: “Mmm. Delicious. You got a little–“

And then…

Bridges: “Well, Timothy Muskie Hanson, how would you like a great big cookie? Any kind.” 

Timothy: “No, thank you.”

Bridges: “Any kind at all. Oatmeal, white chocolate–“

And then…

Bridges: “Ah, one second. Anybody here hungry?”

[all answer]: “No, thanks.”

Slater: “No, sir, I’m not. Thanks.” 

Bridges[defiant]: “Otto, could you whip up some Kung Pao chicken, but with walnuts?” 

[Otto Over Intercom]: “No problem, sir.”

   Priceless. But I know what you’re thinking: ‘that was all in the script.’ And here you’d be wrong. Well, partially wrong. It’s in the script of course, but it’s in there for one reason and one reason only: it plays to Bridges primary strength as an actor. And that strength is ordering food, offering food, and of course, joyfully, lustily, animatedly eating it. For this and more, we here at the Case Western School of Food and Film heartily endorse Mr. Bridges honorary Oscar. Now it’s time for some Kung Pao chicken.

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