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Local Wal-Mart Offers Bonus to Shoppers


Tampa, FL: In an effort to boost sluggish holiday sales, one local Wal-Mart has devised a scheme to attract shoppers this Saturday. According to the store manager, Earl Wickish, the first five hundred shoppers to arrive at the 8 am store opening will be allowed to trample a defenseless man to death.

   “I’m hoping that this will attract more people,” said Mr. Wickish. “The sales figures just aren’t what holiday sale fightsthey should be this year. The economy sucks, man.”

   Mr. Wickish, 39, claims to have come up with the idea himself whilst sitting in a bar with some co-workers. He was on his fifth bottle of beer when he suddenly had what he describes as an epiphany.

   “So I’m sitting there with a cold Old Milwaukee and I’m thinking, ‘Damn, how do you attract more customers?’ And then I remembered the homeless guy who camps out on the back loading dock,” he says proudly. “I figure what we can do is hire him to watch the door that morning. When people try to come in to get the newest Elmo, he can try to stop them with his body. It will be great.”

   “What?” asks Joanne Dunkelson, a human rights activist from Miami, Florida. “You’re joking, right?”

   When informed that it was not a joke and instead, a desperate ploy to raise sales figures, Ms. Dunkelson appeared aghast. “You can’t just trample a homeless man to death because you want to sell Elmo dolls. It’s not right.”

   “Ain’t like anybody is going to miss him,” countered Wickish. “He’s homeless, for God’s sake. We’re doing him a favour.”

   Joe Bob Montgomery, a nearby resident, is fond of the idea. “I love stomping on homeless people. Me and some of the boys are gonna be showin’ up extra early on Saturday so that we can get our trample on.”

   A spokesperson for Wal-Mart refused to comment on the matter.


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