Washington, DC: A beleaguered President Bush, running out of time in his lame-duck office term but eager to start up another international conflict, has reinstated the draft in order to boost the ranks of the military. However, the new draft is aimed at a single organization: the Salvation Army.
When asked about the move, the President said, “Just look at the name: Salvation Army. Army, as in soldiers. Salvation, as in Christian soldiers. Just the kind of thing we need to take out those godless foreign aggressors in… where am I sending them? Iraq? Afghanistan? Iran? Yeah, Iran. That’s it.”
The head of the Salvation Army, General Bob Whoodweenk, met with President Bush last week to try to explain that his organization is not, in fact, a group capable of conducting military operations. Apparently, the President would not take no for an answer. “I told the General, ‘Hey, you’re a General. In your materials, you say you’ve got 17,000 officers, a million soldiers, and over four million volunteers. And since we run an all-volunteer army, that counts. Now get your troops on the next C-130 headed for the Middle East, or else I’ll court-martial your ass and send you to Guantanamo Bay.’ That place is still open, isn’t it?”
Indeed, President Bush has a strong case for utilizing the Salvation Army abroad. Long considered one of the more aggressive charities in America, the Salvation Army trains their bell-ringers extensively. Their ringing technique is similar to the Israeli military combat style of Krav Maga, and the “sweep-the-leg” technique they use on people who try to walk by without donating is reminiscent of the Cobra Kai dojo style. Weeks of constant bell-ringing leave most volunteers with well-developed upper bodies, suitable for hand-to-hand combat. They are also trained in surveillance and psy-ops techniques, to spot people entering and leaving stores, and to focus upon those weak souls who cannot even make eye contact as they walk by.
The move is also being cited as a fiscally prudent one, as there would be little additional cost to use the Salvation Army. The members already have their own uniforms, and they had almost $2 billion in donations last year, meaning they can pay for their own weapons and vehicles. Moreover, with most bell-ringers being volunteers or earning minimum wage, the costs of salaries and benefits will be minimal.
In order to pick up the slack domestically while the bulk of their people are abroad, the Salvation Army will be incorporating new bell-ringers in order to maintain the levels of giving during the holiday season. As a concession to their needs, President Bush has waived all labor laws for faith-based charities in order to allow minors to work the donation buckets. The warmly-bundled, healthy adult bell-ringers will be replaced by waifish children dressed in rags. Runaways, illegal immigrants, and children who have played roles in theatrical productions of Oliver Twist are all welcome to apply at their nearest Salvation Army center.