GM Releases Gas Fetcher for Hummers


Detroit, MI- Recently, General Motors has been in a state of flux in regards to their lines of SUVs and trucks. Because of recent economic turmoil, the continuing war in the Middle East, and the continual lost appeal for American-made automobiles, the company had to decide what type of vehicle to market in a time where gasoline prices have peaked and flattened in a matter of days, as well as deal with a stock market that has investors and consumers keeping their finances close to the vest.

   The Hummer line was a major focus. “We’ve been churning out more suburban and urban friendly versions of that Army vehicle for years. The problem has always been gas consumption,” stated GM public relations assistant Chad Wilkins. “Even our Hybrid prototype burnt up five gallons of gasoline just starting the engine.”

   Although the vehicles’ gas guzzling mini-Hummertendencies have been a public focus of the Hummer line since it came out onto public roadways, GM was more focused on consumer use. “Who really wants to drive a vehicle that needs to be filled up with gas again, after driving ten miles, or risk being stuck on the side of the road with a vehicle that even a tow truck can’t handle? Obviously by our sales record, a lot of people, but not enough. We needed to find a way to fix this gas problem,” Wilkins said.

   The answer was the H4 Fetcher. This miniature Hummer was small enough to be able to run solely on electricity, a far cry from its larger siblings that used gas just to open its car doors. The electrical charge itself was lower than such electric cars as the SMARTcar and Power Wheels Barbie Edition, but longevity was not on the minds of the Fetcher’s developers.

   “What we needed was a way to get more gas back to the consumer’s H1, H2, or H3 in a quick and convenient way. Plans to launch refueling jets into the atmosphere that would circle the globe refueling Hummers on the go were shot down, so to speak, by every government except Russia,” chief developer Martin Fesseur explained. “The beauty of the Fetcher is that it’s electric, and it can fit in the trunk of the H1 and H2. We thought this was perfect: you could have a vehicle to get gas for your main vehicle in case you run out. In this way, people could conserve gas use. They could literally pull over on a highway, roll out the Fetcher to get gas at the next exit, bring it back, refuel, and continue on with your trip to the supermarket.”

   Many experts agree that the Fetcher could revolutionize fill-ups. The vehicle was designed like a golf cart, with the sole difference being a gas tanker half its size in the rear. It would also use none of the gas it is intended to deliver to the main Hummer. However, there are detractors to its development.

   “What is this, April Fool’s Day? Good one GM,” stated environmental activist Emily Hutchings.

   “This is stupid. How fast can that stupid little car really go? What it really needs is a fuel injection to get that gas for my Hummer quicker,” said local resident Clyde Mathison.

    Detractors or not, the little H4 Fetcher has already rolled into many trunks of normal Hummer owners. General Motors has even begun promotions of its eco-friendliness in the hopes of winning an EPA award in 2009.

(special thanks to AZ for uncovering the subject of this article)

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