Washington, DC: After viewing the second presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain Tuesday evening at the White House, currently forgotten President Bush set the ground work for his own campaign, one in which he would stress to the world that he is still in charge.
“There’s been a lot of speculation about who’s going to be the president of America, this country. Well, I can tell you who is the president right now. Go ahead, take a guess,” President Bush stated in a news conference on Friday. After conferring with an assistant, he answered, “That’s right, I’m in charge!”
In order to maintain that he is indeed the President of the United States with the presidential duties and power that come with the title, President Bush went on to speculate about the current economic crisis, consoling the American people that things will get better. Upon saying this, Dow Jones Indexes dropped another 300 points before finally leveling off. This economic activity invigorated President Bush to start his own campaign, labeled the “Look At Me” tour.
“After I found out people were still listening to what I had to say after all those numbers dropped on that giant calculator in New York City, I thought I should pull a few more pranks on the American public, you know, so they know I’m still around,” Bush stated on Saturday. One such action President Bush undertook was the cancellation of Columbus Day as a regulation federal holiday. “I thought that was a good one. I told everyone, ‘Hey, come into work if you want to!’, which is a great way to get people to question if they should or not, at the risk of getting fired. That was almost as good as that Daylight Savings Time situation I messed with.”
President Bush has also repeatedly released statements about things that made no sense, such as possible military strikes on Antarctica, trade negotiations with Santa Claus, the hostile take-over of the PBS network by Steven Spielberg, the re-animation of an alien space vehicle in New Mexico, as well as thanking every American for their continued support during his second term as president.
“It seems like he’s throwing out any sound bit possible so that someone may write about it. It’s sad, really,” Senator Hillary Clinton explained.
The shenanigans haven’t stopped at policies, however. Presidential cabinet members have released statements as to what President Bush is doing around The White House, in order to warn whomever will be moving in. “I’ve seen him do everything from installing automatic-inflating whoopee cushions in the chairs at the cabinet table, replacing normal mirrors with funhouse mirrors, to electrifying the presidential phone. I don’t get why he’d be doing this now, when he still has a few more months,” one anonymous aid stated.
“Bush has gone nuts. He’s actually called up NBC’s Saturday Night Live to invite some of the writers to follow him around to get skit ideas. He wants to be mocked, the poor bastard,” explained Vice President Dick Cheney.
“I had to invite some of those comedians over. I mean, on my worst day I had better things to poke fun at rather than ‘Palin’s Dumb’ or ‘McCain’s Old’ or ‘Obama’s Idealistic.’ All those are boring, and the jokes are boring because of it. Right now, America needs me and my monkey-shines now more than ever,” stated President Bush.
Security has been heightened as the final presidential debate looms closer. Sources claim that President Bush plans on crashing the debate by streaking the stage at Hofstra University, wearing nothing but a red clown nose and go-go boots.