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Ask An Owl: Full House

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 Dear Owl,

   I have a problem that I’m hoping you can help solve. I’m addicted to ‘Full House,’ that wonderful show that aired from 1987 to 1995 on ABC. I’ve seen every episode (192) at least fifteen times and also have read the Full House Stephanie book series (33 books total) so many times that the ink has rubbed off of the pages. 

   This addiction is causing problems in my social life – serious problems. I haven’t been on a date since June 16th, 2002 and even then, it wasn’t a “date” per se – more of a chat session with hotvixen3332, a charming woman I met in a chat room. I’ve returned to the same chat room night after night searching for hotvixen3332 with no success and I fear that she may have gotten married. I blame this on Full House.

   Also, I haven’t actually left my home since July of last year because I’ve been so busy watching season eight (by far the best season) on DVD. My Mom is starting to become concerned and doesn’t think it’s normal for a forty-three year old man to love the show as much as I do. I, of course, disagree.

   Is there any way you can help me overcome my addiction or at the very least, tell my mother to mind her own business and stop going in my room without permission?

Thank you,

Howard

 

Howard,

   Addiction can be a very serious thing, especially to insanely sugarly shows such as Full House. I myself had an addiction, to The O.C. I couldn’t explain it, but like every sixteen year old girl on the planet I watched the show incessantly, and bought the seasons on DVD whenever they would come out. Luckily for me, I later learned it was Mischa Barton, not the actual show, I was addicted to. Once she left, I saw the show lose its luster, and promptly stopped watching at the age of twenty-five.

   Apparently, so did the rest of the world, as the show tanked.

   What we are going to have to do to help you break this will seem almost abusive, but to cure you, it has to be done. We will be doing a bit of “where are they now”. In order for this to work, we will have to show you and tell you things that will either force you to see the actors and actresses of the show now, and at least ween you off of Full House, or shy away from them forever. At the very least, it will push you away from the kid-toucher tendencies that are in development.


Stephanie Tanner:

Jodi Sweetin Then

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jodi Sweetin:

Jodi Sweetin Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Sweet little Stephanie was kind of hot for a while in her early twenties. Then she had to go and stop smoking meth, get knocked up and have like 100 kids( rounded up to the closest hundred.) How rude, indeed.

 


D.J. Tanner:

Candace Cameron Then

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Candace Cameron Bure:

Candace Cameron Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Looks like an improvement to me! This is what you have in store for you if you brave the outside world. Just be sure to wear dark glasses the first time out. You don’t want to get caught staring, that may land you in jail.


Kimmie Gibler:

Andrea Barber Then

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andrea Barber:

Andrea Barber Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean really, this woman is so much better to look at now. As a kid, she looked like that big foreheaded alien, Roger, from American Dad. NOW look at her!


Michelle Tanner:

Michelle Then

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen:

Michelles Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh. Drunken Gremlins. See? They aren’t the sweet little kids they use to be. Now they’re raping the world with their own brand of clothes, magazines, and foot deodorants.


   Now you may be saying, “Mr. Owl, it was really the men I was infatuated with!”

Well that’s o-k, Howard, because we can destroy their facades too.


Danny Tanner:

Bob Saget Then

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob Saget:

Bob Saget Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just look up his portrayal of the Aristocrats joke and you will forever change your view of Danny Tanner and the former host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Most would consider this a good thing, as it goes hand-in-hand with his line from Half Baked, “Marijuana’s not a drug. I used to suck d*ck for coke!”


“Uncle Jesse” Katsopolis:

John Stamos Then

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John Stamos:

John Stamos Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How has this guy become so notorious? What, you fill-in as a drummer for The Beach Boys and all of a sudden gain nationwide recognition as a musician?


“Uncle Joey” Gladstone:

Dave Coulier Then

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave Coulier:

Dave Coulier Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you didn’t know, Dave Coulier had gone the route of most dying actors by appearing on The Surreal Life and dating Alanis Morissette.


   Well Howard, I hope these sad reflections of reality help you see Full House in a brand new light. Namely, that it becomes as sickening to you as it has for the rest of the human population.

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