Ask An Owl: Full House

 Dear Owl,

   I have a problem that I’m hoping you can help solve. I’m addicted to ‘Full House,’ that wonderful show that aired from 1987 to 1995 on ABC. I’ve seen every episode (192) at least fifteen times and also have read the Full House Stephanie book series (33 books total) so many times that the ink has rubbed off of the pages. 

   This addiction is causing problems in my social life – serious problems. I haven’t been on a date since June 16th, 2002 and even then, it wasn’t a “date” per se – more of a chat session with hotvixen3332, a charming woman I met in a chat room. I’ve returned to the same chat room night after night searching for hotvixen3332 with no success and I fear that she may have gotten married. I blame this on Full House.

   Also, I haven’t actually left my home since July of last year because I’ve been so busy watching season eight (by far the best season) on DVD. My Mom is starting to become concerned and doesn’t think it’s normal for a forty-three year old man to love the show as much as I do. I, of course, disagree.

Thank you,

Howard,

   Addiction can be a very serious thing, especially to insanely sugarly shows such as Full House. I myself had an addiction, to The O.C. I couldn’t explain it, but like every sixteen year old girl on the planet I watched the show incessantly, and bought the seasons on DVD whenever they would come out. Luckily for me, I later learned it was Mischa Barton, not the actual show, I was addicted to. Once she left, I saw the show lose its luster, and promptly stopped watching at the age of twenty-five.

   Apparently, so did the rest of the world, as the show tanked.

   What we are going to have to do to help you break this will seem almost abusive, but to cure you, it has to be done. We will be doing a bit of “where are they now”. In order for this to work, we will have to show you and tell you things that will either force you to see the actors and actresses of the show now, and at least ween you off of Full House, or shy away from them forever. At the very least, it will push you away from the kid-toucher tendencies that are in development.

Stephanie Tanner:

Jodi Sweetin:

   Sweet little Stephanie was kind of hot for a while in her early twenties. Then she had to go and stop smoking meth, get knocked up and have like 100 kids( rounded up to the closest hundred.) How rude, indeed.

D.J. Tanner:

Candace Cameron Bure:

   Looks like an improvement to me! This is what you have in store for you if you brave the outside world. Just be sure to wear dark glasses the first time out. You don’t want to get caught staring, that may land you in jail.

Kimmie Gibler:

Andrea Barber:

I mean really, this woman is so much better to look at now. As a kid, she looked like that big foreheaded alien, Roger, from American Dad. NOW look at her!

Michelle Tanner:

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen:

Ugh. Drunken Gremlins. See? They aren’t the sweet little kids they use to be. Now they’re raping the world with their own brand of clothes, magazines, and foot deodorants.

   Now you may be saying, “Mr. Owl, it was really the men I was infatuated with!”

Well that’s o-k, Howard, because we can destroy their facades too.

Danny Tanner:

Bob Saget:

Just look up his portrayal of the Aristocrats joke and you will forever change your view of Danny Tanner and the former host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Most would consider this a good thing, as it goes hand-in-hand with his line from Half Baked, “Marijuana’s not a drug. I used to suck d*ck for coke!”

“Uncle Jesse” Katsopolis:

John Stamos:

How has this guy become so notorious? What, you fill-in as a drummer for The Beach Boys and all of a sudden gain nationwide recognition as a musician?

“Uncle Joey” Gladstone:

Dave Coulier:

In case you didn’t know, Dave Coulier had gone the route of most dying actors by appearing on The Surreal Life and dating Alanis Morissette.

   Well Howard, I hope these sad reflections of reality help you see Full House in a brand new light. Namely, that it becomes as sickening to you as it has for the rest of the human population.