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My Views On The World News: 8-21-08


Take Your Kid to Church for Better Grades

   A new study suggests that if you want to boost your teenager’s grade point average, youSUPER BIBLE! WOAH should take them to church.

    If the researchers are to be believed, church attendance has as much effect on a teen’s GPA as whether the parents earned a college degree. Many of the church-going students who participated in the study not only had higher GPAs, but also lower drop-out rates.

   Here’s a revolutionary idea: you could also ask your kid to read a book every once in awhile. Remember those? They used to be “all the rage” before a fellow by the name of Philo Farnsworth came around with his newest invention, the television. So maybe you should try turning off the fancy invention every once in a while, ignore the consternation sure to follow, and suggest your kid focus on learning from literature instead of becoming immersed in twelve hour ‘MTV’s The Real World’ marathons.    






 Deceased Puerto Rican Man on Display for Three Days

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico – 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina had a wish to remain standing,stiff standing up even in death. A funeral home in San Juan, Puerto Rico granted his wish and Mr. Medina’s corpse was treated with an embalming treatment which allowed him to stand upright for three days.
   Medina was propped upright in his mother’s living room and was wearing a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses as friends and relatives mourned his short life.

   That’s it. My funeral will also be held in Puerto Rico. I want to be standing upright for four days. No, five. But instead of a Yankees cap and sunglasses, I’ll be attired in nothing but a speedo.  And all of the mourners MUST take photographs of themselves posing with my dead self and later hang the photograph on the walls of their home where everybody can see it. Hey, it’s my final request and this is Puerto Rico!   





 The Pill Makes Women Pick Bad Mates

   A new study finds that birth-control pills can hinder a woman’s ability to select a compatible Be wary, ladies.mate.
   While factors such as big brains and brawn can attract women, a man’s body odor can be the deciding factor, according to researchers. But for some reason, the pill affects the woman’s ability to detect aromatic molecules which indicate genetic compatibility and often leads them to choose the wrong man.

   Me, I have the same problem when I take a Centrum Silver. I always wind up with women that beat me. I should probably find a new multivitamin.


 Survivors of 1918 Flu Pandemic Still Protected

WASHINGTON – Many of the survivors of the infamous 1918 flu pandemic are still protectedthe pinnacle of health! against the highly deadly virus, according to scientists.
   The survivors, who are between the ages of 91 to 101, all lived through the pandemic that killed millions. Influenza and immunity experts are impressed by the survivors’ resistance to the flu strains.

   Am I supposed to be impressed? Oh, you’re protected from the flu, huh? Can you walk unguided to the bathroom? Can you remember your name when asked? No? Well, I can do both quite easily. Looks like I have you beat.



Police: Man says he grew pot in a cost-saving move

TYLER, Texas – A man was arrested on felony possession charges after cultivating marijuanacannabis prices on the rise on his property. When questioned by police, 55-year-old John Daniel Miller III told deputies he knew he’d be caught “sooner or later,” but he was growing the marijuana for his personal use in an effort to save money after a recent price increase for the illegal substance.
   Mr. Miller is currently being held in the Smith County Jail with bond set at $15,000.

   I’m not surprised. A few years ago, I wanted a Ferrari, but the price was a bit steep at $200,000 dollars. So I stole it and used the other $200,000 to buy a whole bunch of marijuana. You cut costs where you can, especially with the economy with the way it is nowadays.



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