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British Launch of Excess Smug at America Backfires


   So what of the huge world economic circus right now?

   Recent figures show oil prices hitting record levels, bio-fuel policy backfiring and pushing the cost of food through the roof, and banks posting record losses.

   But it’s not all good news.

   In a remarkable and truly pointless experiment, America and Britain have performed the world’s first ‘zero-effect’ import/export exchange. The term ‘zero-effect’ in this case refers to a policy which has neither an economic nor cultural effect on either side. Not in the long term. The historical and ground breaking agreement involved the signing of papers and the synchronized launching of the Atlantic-bound cargos from both London and New York.

   Taking advantage of the bizarre timing differences between the two cities, this reporter was able to cover both the launch and the arrival at both ends of the historic journey. Or at least should have been able to. However, due to getting on the wrong bus at Colchester, and with Amsterdam being just up the road, scatalogically speaking, the whole thing is a bit of a blur and probably best left that way.

   According to the words of the great Bard, ‘One lost weekend does not a total balls-up make’ (Hamlet Act 2 Scene 1), and so The Inept Owl was able to catch up with the action in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, at the crossing point of the two shipments. Facing the flashing of cameras and thrusting of microphones from the world’s press, a statement was read, and the contents of the transport containers were finally revealed.

   The U.S. ship, bound for the shores of England, contained nothing less than an icon of Piers MorganAmerican culture, 6,000 crates of Oreo’s, a sugary,largely fat-based item which has often been associated with couch potatoes who’s raison d’etre seems to be the consumption of vast amounts of vacuous television and junk food. The U.K. ship, bound for the coast of the Americas, contained an icon of British culture, Piers Morgan, a sugary, largely fat-based item which has also been associated with vacuous television, couch potatoes, and the over consumption of junk food.


   This experiment has not been without its share of controversy, however, and many Brits are now complaining, (nothing new there then), at being hoodwinked by the whole project.
Not only is the UK now faced with a boost to its already impressive figures on Diabetes and Obesity, thanks to the Oreo’s, but now the tv screen has been dealt a double-whammy with showings of not only “Britain’s Got No Talent” featuring Piers Morgan, but also the Stateside equivalent, “Neither Have We”.

   The English are furious, as the term ‘export’ usually involves the getting rid of sub-standard produce to foreigners. As the result of this experiment however, they now have to suffer the shiny faced manatee on both homegrown and imported versions of the same bloody show!
The English may still have an ace up their sleeves. Secret documents which we had forged show plans to refuse Morgan’s mentor,  the super-smug Simon Cowell, entry back into the UK on completion of his assault on the minds of Americans.

   We asked a passer-by on the streets of London for a comment. At the very mention of the words ‘Cowell’ and ‘Morgan’ however, he became violently enraged and was last seen running down Oxford Street shouting “I died in 2 world wars for you, you bastard” before being hit by a bus and killed. We then asked him for a further comment, but none was forthcoming.

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