On Tuesday, the U.S. House of Representatives formally apologized for the “fundamental injustice, cruelty, brutality, and inhumanity” of slavery and the legal segregation of African-Americans. Which, of course, as Martha Stewart would say, is “a good thing.” The apology took more than 143 years (which, coincidentally, is John McCain’s age) to come to fruition.
However, I don’t believe that the U.S. House of Representatives should stop there. I would officially like to submit my request that they apologize for the following things as well (and, please, don’t let 143 years pass by before doing so):
1. The Bushes. Especially the two Georges. And Jeb (how can you take a guy named Jeb seriously?). Hell, while you’re at it, apologize for Prescott, too. But George W’s twins? Barbara and Jenna? No apology is needed for these two, as, well, they’re kind of cute when they’re not vomiting on the sidewalk outside of an Austin bar.
2. Amy Winehouse. Granted, Great Britain is to blame for her ultimate creation. But the very fact that the scabbed junkie was allowed to enter the country in the first place? I blame that on the U.S. House of Representatives.
3. Mood rings. These things never work. There should be a law banning their sale so that I don’t feel like an idiot every time I try one on (which is every time I see one). “Oh, look it’s black. Still black. Wait, is that green? Nope, still black. WHY DOESN’T THIS REFLECT MY HAPPY MOOD? WHY?”
4. Spandex. I want an apology and I want it banned like DDT. People blame global warming on carbon emissions , deforestation, etc. I think spandex should be added to that list. “Hey, 300 pound lady with the black spandex? I can see every nook and cranny of your lower torso.You’re melting the polar ice cap. Stop wearing them.”
5. Proactiv Infomercials. Seriously, the last thing I want to see is a closeup of somebody’s pimples, especially when I’m eating. “Oh, I just love these mashed potatoes.” Pause. “Is that Jessica Simpson? And is that an extreme closeup of her pimples?” Gag.
(side note: visual representation was omitted due to editor vomiting on keyboard)
6. The “Boy Bands” of the late 90s. For nearly five years, the music scene was a virtual wasteland with groups like N*Sync, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees dominating the airwaves. The FCC should also make apologies for this. Fine Howard Stern for his crude remarks? Arrest Lance Bass for his crappy music.
7. Ohio. The State. And while we’re at it, Michigan.
8. Allowing Dom DeLuise to fall by the wayside. When I was a kid, Dom made me happy. And then he disappeared. So all of my unhappiness as an adult? It’s a direct result of YOU, the U.S. House of Representatives, not doing what you could to keep him at the forefront of popular culture.
9. Emo kids. They’re everywhere. I’m getting sick of seeing these weirdos, sitting around in circles and rambling on and on about how “cruel and unfair the world is” and muttering about how “I just want to cut myself.” Also, please make it illegal for them to wear women’s jeans. I’d rather watch baby seals get clubbed than walk behind some guy wearing tight women’s jeans.