Washington, DC: After years of having his genius unrecognized, today perennial know-it-all Jim Wilson finally received his due: a Cabinet position. Speaking from the White House, Mr. Wilson said simply, “I knew it would happen.”
Previously, Mr. Wilson had worked in the IT department for a business in Seattle, Washington. The state of Washington is known to be a gathering point for such know-it-all establishments as indie music fans, Starbucks, and Microsoft, so it was no surprise that Mr. Wilson got his start in such a place.
Officially, the President has appointed Mr. Wilson to be Secretary of Education. However, Mr. Wilson has already claimed that this appointment is merely a stepping stone. On an internet discussion board, Mr. Wilson (or “smartguy6969” as he is known in online circles) wrote, “this education thing is just a temporary apointment [sic]until something bigger opens up. i know that he wants me to take over homeland security and the treasury department later. lololol”
While Mr. Wilson has not, to date, completed any sort of formal secondary education, he is well-versed in any number of topics. Thanks to his frequent perusal of box scores, he can tell you exactly why you were an idiot for picking Manny Ramirez in your fantasy baseball draft. He has an incredible understanding of current events, based upon The Daily Show and several political blogs he reads each morning. Likewise, his extensive DVD collection makes him an expert on movies he’s never even seen; he can tell you the outcome of a movie based upon the director or actors involved, no matter how obscure.
The President, who reads every email that is sent to him by members of the American public, was immediately struck by how insightful Mr. Wilson was in his analysis of what is wrong with the US economy. “I mean, here’s a guy who has no formal training in economic theory, no experience in the financial sector, and yet he wrote so confidently that I was instantly sold,” the President admitted. “Anybody who is so convinced that their way is the only option deserves to be a part of my Cabinet.”
The appointment is not without its complications; Mr. Wilson will have to move out of his parents’ basement into an apartment in Washington, DC. The logistical difficulties in transporting his collection of Transformer action figures and boxes of t-shirts with clever slogans on them on such short notice will be a significant hurdle.
However, the White House is confident that these issues can be handled in a timely fashion so that he can begin work immediately. In fact, Mr. Wilson has already written five executive orders for the President to glance over and sign. They are expected to transform the United States into a utopia by the end of next week.