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Four Members of The Inept Owl Suspected Cult Members


New York, NY: Recently it has been learned that four members of The Inept Owl staff had been born within two days of each other. Although the ages and birthplaces are different, it is quite plausible that the writers John O’Rourke, Darby Shaw, Rick Bernardo, and editor Patrick Emmel may have had parents involved in cult orgies the likes of the Manson Family or the Branch Davidian, and may have shared one, if not both, parents.

Village Idiots The Inept Owl

   Since none of the staff, except for Moon Beam Crenshaw, believe in neither astrology nor coincidence, it can only be through science that we have learned the connecting force that all but validates this “shared parents in a cult orgy” idea. There is a rare genetic code that is passed on through parents, usually the mother, that leads people to have a critical, yet humorous, approach to the daily activities of society. This gene has been named the Lichen-Amped Meta-Enzyme gene. It was found in all four staff members’ DNA during a rigorous health exam they were subjected to in order to ascertain the costs of health benefits, which are still pending because of this discovery.

   It seems that the LAME gene can shorten a person’s lifespan, as carriers usually find themselves in horrible situations with bikers, sufferers of road rage, neo-nazis, and Bostonians due to the carrier’s over-zealousness of humor, and the recipient’s lack of.

   Usually it is infrequent that the gene is passed on to the next generation, as this humor over-efficiency usually leads to diseases such as the “I love you like a brother” disease, or the dreaded “We’re too good as friends” syndrome. However, in cult situations, these diseases go into recession. This makes it possible that Darby, Rick, Patrick, and John were born of at least the same mother, considering the age differences are a year apart, plenty of time for recurrent conceptions.

   No one on the staff would submit a comment.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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