Punxsutawney, PA – This morning, the crowd that had gathered in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania this Groundhog Day were appalled to see the famed groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, keel over at the edge of his hole. Yes, this furry weatherman of the past 127 years passed away this morning amid another of his nefarious predictions for those that have not stepped outside their homes for the past 3 weeks.
Veterinarians on site believe that the groundhog may have suffered from erratic blood pressure brought on by the mixture of the camera flash-bulbs, screaming, and perhaps an early morning Philly cheesesteak.
“If the legend that this is the same groundhog that was predicting the weather back in 1886 is true, then I’m surprised he’s lasted this long,” stated animal rights activist and veterinarian Heather Gulman. “Flash-bulbs used to set people on fire, the cheesesteaks were probably even more unhealthy due to the replacement of Cheez Whiz for whale oil, and the crowds were larger because absolutely no-one had anything better to do than stand around waiting for a groundhog to come out of his hole.
Most importantly, however, is that no one knows how long this winter may last thanks to the inaccurate reading by Punxsutawney Phil. Many residents of the town have begun stocking up on food and water. Others have begun rioting and looting. The quiet town of Punxsutawney quickly became a scene to rival the Los Angeles riots of 1992. It is our hope that one of these poor souls turns on a television to see the groundhog report from another town so that their anxiety is appeased.