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Bad Santa: Captured Elves Tell of Sordid Affairs


   Today, officials at The Department of Homeland Security announced their plans to police international skies starting December 24, 2007 at 12:00 a.m. to December 26, 2007 at 12:00 a.m. The Federal Aviation Administration is working closely with other U.S. and international agencies as well.

   This was brought about after C.I.A. officials were informed by The Department of Immigration that five little people dressed in elf costumes were apprehended at the Canadian border.

    After learning that their origins were of the North Pole, the elves were questioned about leaving Santa’s workshop. The elves stated that Santa had become Santa Convictincreasingly disillusioned with the youth of this generation. The elves alleged Santa had spiraled into a spasm of alcoholism and pill popping. He accuses this generation of “Being naughty, and not nice.”

    Upon further interrogation, the elves alleged that Santa is said to be connected with several drug running cartels coming out of Afghanistan. Using his sled on Christmas Eve he has plans to deliver many shipments of opium around the world.

    The elves also said that Santa got the idea one night while watching the movie The Usual Suspects. “Santa liked the way the character Verbal Kent was actually the criminal Keyser Soze, and how he got away with the crime” one of the elves stated. “And the part where he says, ‘The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.’ He got a kick out of that one.”

    President Bush called a press conference to announce his plans of  “Operation Bad Santa.”  Bush said, “We are using all technological gizmos and gadgetry at our disposal to apprehend this enemy combatant.” He also stated, “I’m still mad about that time I wanted a Red Ryder B.B. Gun and Santa never gave me one for Christmas.”

    Pentagon Officials said, “We are using these measures to secure our skies against terrorism.” They also stated that Santa Claus may also have ties to Al Qaeda. The DEA and FBI will also be working the case as this goes into high alert across the nation.

    The informant elves have been released pending further investigation. It has been reported that they have signed with VH1 to have their own reality show. Talks with Travelocity have also been rumored, as the elves try to get a deal to replace the roaming gnome.

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