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Woman of the Year: Meet the Candidates

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It’s that time of year that the crew and readers think about the women who have affected our lives so profoundly. Before voting, however, you may want to read about what makes these candidates so special.



Kate BeckinsaleName: Kate Beckinsale

Status: Married

Occupation: hot mommy, actress, shopping.

Crowning Achievements: Teaching celebrities how to thumb their noses at the paparazzi by going about her business. Reaching higher and higher on bachelor magazine “Hot” lists while not posing for Playboy.

Quote: “If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex!”


Bush twins Name: Jenna and Barbara Bush

Origins: It is believed the twins were cloned directly from their parents. Barbara gained Laura’s gene splice, Jenna gained George’s. The evidence is visibly clear.

Occupations: Giving Daddy and his PR committee stress induced ulcers.

Quote: “I’m sure there were times when I wish I had thought, ‘Gosh, that might really embarrass mom and dad,’ but our parents didn’t raise us to think about them. They’re very selfless and they wanted us to have as normal of a college life as possible.”-Jenna


Hillary ClintonName: Hillary Rodham Clinton

Status: Married!? Still?

Occupation: State Senator of New York, Presidential Candidate, Founder of the Association of Face Explosion Disorders.

Official Terms as President: 0

Unofficial Terms as President: 2

Quote: “If I didn’t kick his ass every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.”

 


BonoName: Bono

Sex: We’re really not sure, which is why he’s in the running for both Man and Woman of the Year.

Musical Influences: He influences instead of being influenced by.

Favorite Song: “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart

Quote: “Senators, I spend a lot of time in this country. Maybe too much for your liking. I spend a lot of time in buses. At truck stops. In town halls. In church halls. I do all this, and I’m not even running for office.”

 


Angelina JolieName: Angelina Jolie

Status: Divorced twice, currently bewitching Brad Pitt

Occupation: Actress, adoption services, Goodwill Ambassador

Favorite Color: Crimson

Quote“When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire.”


Claire DanesName: Claire Danes

Status: Dating around

Location: New York, NY

Location Banned From: The Philippines 

First Kiss: staged on “My So-Called Life.”

Fears: Fame, sex appeal, ghosts

Quote: “I have a huge, active imagination, [and]I think I’m really scared of being alone; because if I’m left to my own devices, I’ll just turn into a madwoman.”

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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