It’s that time of year that the crew and readers think about the men who have affected our lives so profoundly. Before voting, however, you may want to read about what makes these candidates so special.
Name: Carlos Irwin Estevez
Screen Name: Charlie Sheen
Affiliation: Super “Trufer”
Acting Focus: Promiscuous sex, alcoholism, verbal abuse.
Life Achievements: Promiscuous sex, alcoholism, verbal abuse.
What I want to be when I grow up: Professional baseball player
Quote: “This is like a sober acid trip”
Name: George Ouzounian
Real Name: Maddox
Birthplace: The Internet
Life Achievement: Forcing public opinion unto the public.
Favorite Cereal: Your Mom
Quote: “It’s not a conscious effort, so much as a by product of radness. Specifically, my radness.”
Name: Jon Stewart
Slave Name: Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Musical Instrument: French Horn
Political Affiliation: Pinko
Crowning Achievement: Home music video of himself promoting Hillary Clinton.
Quote: “And now, your moment of Zen.”
Political Affiliation: Peace, Love, and Understanding
Occupation: Baby kissing, kitty petting, photo ops for political leaders, sometimes musical entertainment.
Future Plans: Supreme Dictator of the World
Quote: “I’m not a whinging liberal. I’m no hippie with flowers in my hair.”
Name: Tucker Max
Occupation: Writer, STD for Hire
Location: The local bar, picking up your girlfriend.
Crowning Achievement: Having a woman release her bowels during anal sex.
Quote: “I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”
Name: Stephen Colbert
Occupation: News anchor, Correspondent, Presidential Candidate, Gay History teacher
Favorite bed-time story to read to his children: The U.S. Declaration of Independence
Public Figure he looks up to: Himself, while looking at a mirrored ceiling.
Quote: “But this show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You’re not the elites, you’re not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters.”