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Man of the Year: Meet the Candidates


It’s that time of year that the crew and readers think about the men who have affected our lives so profoundly. Before voting, however, you may want to read about what makes these candidates so special.


Charlie Sheen

Name: Carlos Irwin Estevez

Screen Name: Charlie Sheen

Affiliation: Super “Trufer”

 Acting Focus: Promiscuous sex, alcoholism, verbal abuse.

Life Achievements: Promiscuous sex, alcoholism, verbal abuse.

What I want to be when I grow up: Professional baseball player

Quote: “This is like a sober acid trip”


MADDOXName: George Ouzounian

Real Name: Maddox

Ethnicity: Pirate

Birthplace: The Internet

Life Achievement: Forcing public opinion unto the public.

Favorite Cereal: Your Mom

Quote: “It’s not a conscious effort, so much as a by product of radness. Specifically, my radness.”


Jon StewartName: Jon Stewart

Slave Name: Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz

Musical Instrument: French Horn

Political Affiliation: Pinko

Crowning Achievement: Home music video of himself promoting Hillary Clinton.

Quote: “And now, your moment of Zen.”



BonoName: Bono

Political Affiliation: Peace, Love, and Understanding

Occupation: Baby kissing, kitty petting, photo ops for political leaders, sometimes musical entertainment.

Future Plans: Supreme Dictator of the World

Quote: “I’m not a whinging liberal. I’m no hippie with flowers in my hair.”





Tucker MaxName: Tucker Max

Occupation: Writer, STD for Hire

Location: The local bar, picking up your girlfriend.

Crowning Achievement: Having a woman release her bowels during anal sex.

Quote: “I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”







Stephen ColbertName: Stephen Colbert

Ethnicity: American

Occupation: News anchor, Correspondent, Presidential Candidate, Gay History teacher

Favorite bed-time story to read to his children: The U.S. Declaration of Independence

Public Figure he looks up to: Himself, while looking at a mirrored ceiling.

Quote: “But this show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You’re not the elites, you’re not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters.”

About Author


As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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