Dear Owl,

     I recently noticed that some of my chest hairs have split ends. What can I do about this?

-Metro Metro Man

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Dear Metro Man,

     Due to your signature name, I’m guessing you have a certain focus on your grooming and cleanliness in general. However, you’re going about your metrosexuality half-assed(no pun intended.)chest hair development

     As a man goes through puberty, chest hair is a very telling sign of the testosterone feeding through his body.

     Apparently you are stuck between the first and second phase, also known as the “whisker-chest.” Normally this would just be chalked up to bad luck, yet you, sir, are worried about split ends on your chest.

     The easiest way to go full-fledged metro is to shave it off. Go get the razor and shaving cream right now, play some ABBA, and clean up those in-grown hairs growing around your mid-section. That way you can add that to your metrosexual repertoire, and not be laughed at when the shirt comes off, because the girls you’re going for will not be impressed by half-assed chest hair.

Hugs and Kisses,

-The Owl