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Someone Deserves a Punch to the Back of the Head: Rob Zombie

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     Has anyone else noticed the slow but steady influx of movie remakes that directors have been trying to pass off as new movies for the past 10 or 15 years?  I’m not even going to get into all of the appalling versions of good movies that have grossed millions. The latest and, as far as I’m concerned, the greatest offense to date hasn’t even been released yet. Nancy Smart

 

     Recently, I saw a preview for a new version of Halloween. That’s right folks, and your old pal Rob Zombie is steering this poopship destroyer to a theatre near you. Thanks Rob Zombie. Thanks for ruining my life, and probably a bunch of other people’s lives, too. You suck. Your music sucks. Your movies suck. I hope you’re proud of yourself. You just mixed up some brass monkey in the Holy Grail.

     You know what? While you’re at it Rob, hows about you go ahead and rewrite the Bible and the Torah and probably the Koran, and then make a film adaptation of them starring your trashy wife and your window-licking friends. Turn all of the holy men into rapists, kill a couple of babies (and maybe eat part of one, just to make sure that the audience is too grossed out to notice how much the movie is more of a violent masturbation fantasy and less of a film.) Then, you can underscore all of the gratuitous gore and sexual deviancy (which will comprise the entirety of the film) with some of your shitty music, but just make sure that it’s really loud, really offensive, and that it all sounds the same. Man, that’s gonna be a blockbuster, alright.

     Also, could you please completely annihilate the image of Michael Myers that millions of people have become accustomed to, and make him look like you, if you were 8 feet tall, built like Paul Bunyan, and invincible? I think you should probably give him long, stringy hair like a greasy professional wrestler. Yeah, that will scare people. And it will be completely different than anything you’ve ever done before. Oh, wait a minute…

     You know, the worst part of all of this is what it’s doing to the kids. Kids today have a hard enough time trying to decide which cup to put the rufies in; they don’t need people like you coming along, and rewriting cinematic history, erasing the foundation upon which a scary number of movie geeks has built an empire of criticism, condescension, and undergraduate seminar projects. Where will the film-school kids get their undeserved sense of accomplishment now?

     This movie is going to be a Molotov cocktail of bull-shit, self-aggrandizement, and bad juju. To those two or three of you who read my blogs, heed my warning, for I am a soothsayer! I’ve seen this kind of thing before, and it isn’t pretty: House on Haunted Hill, The Fog, The Hills Have Eyes, and let’s not forget the whole Black Christmas debacle.  But Halloween? Really, Rob Zombie?  You couldn’t go after some movie that never made it past VHS? I don’t know. If you’re going to go ahead and forget about being original or creative at all, you might as well just do something with a vampire, or a witch or some monster that Disney has already completely stripped of the ability to strike fear into the hearts of anyone old enough to find all of the hidden objects in the back of the Highlights magazines.

     To Rob Zombie, and anyone out there even toying with the idea of remaking ANOTHER horror movie, please, PLEASE, stop re-making and ruining classic horror films that shaped my young adult life. What happened to originality? What happened to scaring the be-jeesus out of pre-pubescent suburbanites at summer camp? What happened to American cinema? What happened to my American Dream?! Stop breathing my air, Rob Zombie! Cut your hair and do something useful with what’s left of your life; have yourself sterilized and lobotomized. Well, maybe just sterilized. The lobotomy would just be redundant.

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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