London, UK: Local constables and MI personnel were put to the test yesterday as they unfoiled terrorist activity in the area of Hyde Park. Londoners had called in about a young male running through the streets wearing a red, white and blue thong and necktie. This would have been construed as a normal drunken American except the man was waving ignited sparklers, clearly a terrorist threat.
The accused, Peter Emmerlan, was first spotted at the local “Rose and Crown” pub, drinking heavily of Budweiser(which one pub-goer described as “dirty sock water”) and telling other patrons that “…soccer sucks ass.” He then went into the restroom, emerging in his red, white and blue costume.
“I didn’t know what to make of it,” bartender Peter Murphy stated. “The man was bloody mental.”
Mr. Emmerlan gave “mental” a whole new meaning as he lit two sparklers and, waving his arms wildly, ran down New Oxford Street singing the United States National Anthem. He was clearly a danger to himself and anyone, British or foreign, in his vicinity.
With the escalation of national alertness due to terrorist activity the week before at Glasgow Airport and in front of the Tiger Tiger Club in the Haymarket District, it is understandable the care local enforcement had taken in containing Mr. Emmerlan. Constables surrounded him, asking if he was “quite allright” and “would he care to relax with a cup of tea.” When confronted by a babbling of American nonsense(“Not the Queen’s English, I daresay”, Constable Roger Barrett noted), the officers exclaimed “Cheers, mate”, and stepped aside as MPs took over, beating Peter Emmerlan into submission and taking him to a military compound to be questioned.
When asked about the ordeal, Mr. Emmerlan answered, “How can they not celebrate the 4th of July here?”