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Gonzales Blames Alcohol

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WASHINGTON, D.C.- In the aftermath of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales’ testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales has come under intense scrutiny because of his lack of informational responses. He was being questioned regarding his removal of eight federal prosecutors, which he claimed was “justified.” He has, however, forgotten what that justification was.

To alleviate any possible theories of corruption or conspiracy, the Attorney general has finally come forward with the truth. “Ladies and gentlemen, I suffer from Gibson Syndrome. It is because of this disorder that I was unable to remember dates and decisions regarding these forced resignations of U.S. attorneys. Three-quarters through a bottle of scotch before this hearing, I was lucky to remember my own name.”

Gibson Syndrome is a mental disability brought on by the excessive use of alcohol. The afflicted is known to forget important details of past actions and speak in a slurred speech without thinking, usually resulting in improper grammar and insults to police officers and other public servants. Once his press conference on the disorder was completed, Gonzales immediately checked himself into a hospital to be cared for. Gibson syndrome normally only occurs for a few hours at a time, but Gonzales wanted to take precautions that it wouldn’t happen for the rest of the day, or at least until he had a meeting with his advisors at the local pub to discuss more agendas in the Department of Justice.

President George Bush was relieved at the outcome. “It’s amazing that such a disorder can afflict a man. I believe it shows tremendous character for Gonzales to come forward and explain his lack of knowledge in this case. I wish that I could use that excuse. Maybe I should have a doctor check me out as well.”

Even Alberto Gonzales’ most vocal critic was understanding of the predicament. “I can believe that Gibson Syndrome played a role in that embarrassing hearing,” Senator Arlen Specter stated. “I’m sure that if I had tossed back a few vodka and tonics, I’d be a mess, too.”

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