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Dr. FitzGerald Revived with Rube Goldberg Defibrillator
Written by Steve L.   
Friday, 26 June 2009

Boston, MA: Dr. Jerri Nielsen FitzGerald, 57, whose struggle against breast cancer during a winter at the South Pole captivated the world, died, only to be revived moments later in what is now being called a “miracle”.

    Her husband, Thomas FitzGerald, says she died Tuesday at their home in Southwick, Mass, but that the stoppage of her heart then activated what she calledDr. Jerri FitzGerald the Kickstartmyheartillator. She developed this device, which is powered by energy stored by centrifugal forces catalyzed every time the toilet flushes, shortly after her return home from the tundra.

   The Kickstartmyheartillator was able to work as advertised and in fact kick-started her heart right back up. The only issue resulting from its use was a backup of the home sewage system due to a rare problem known as “septic tank fatigue”. This resulted in a larger problem due to the presence of noxious gases in the house, particularly the potentially lethal gas known as hydrogen sulfide. In this case the sulfur from the sewage backup mingled violently with some spilled hydrogen peroxide and acetone from nail polish remover that, in a cruel twist of fate, Ms. FitzGerald was using to remove polish from her toenails. The result was a lethal gas that was able to fall the already compromised cancer survivor.

   Ms. FitzGerald was the only doctor at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station in winter 1999 when she discovered a lump in her breast. Weather conditions didn't permit a rescue, so she performed a biopsy on herself with the help of staff, camp pets and some Popsicle sticks. It is believed that it was this experience that provided the kernel of thought that resulted in the Kickstartmyheartillator.

    Funeral arrangements have not been released but it is believed that Motley Crue will perform at her funeral.

    - Steven Levy, intrepid reporter

 

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Last Updated ( Friday, 26 June 2009 )
 
U.S. Open Winner Concedes Title
Written by Rick Bernardo   
Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Bethpage, NY: The 2009 U.S Open became a topic of discussion yesterday when champion Lucas Glover conceded the title to a fellow golfer.

   It became obvious that the concession was unavoidable as countless fans in attendance at the Bethpage Black Golf Course began to riot due to "unfair U.S. Open Winnercircumstances" in relation to their favorite golfer.

   The golfer in question, of course, was young Australian Matt Moore.

   Mr. Moore began the championsip week in the practice rounds, and never left them with a real course score. Much like the stoic #1, Tiger Woods, and rock-star Phil Mickelson, Matt Moore had an undeniably large following as he tramped through the golf course last Wednesday. Some attribute the following due to his golfing prowess and regard for the crowd. Others claimed he had a really, really hot girlfriend walking the course with him. The woman in question is Miss Idaho 2009, Melissa Weber.

   "I remember stopping to watch this Moore guy hit off a tee. All of a sudden, there's this brunette in a Daisy Dukes shorts, a tube-top, and thigh-high boots tromping out to the fairway with him," stated Long Islander Anthony Scarletta. "I immediately followed after them. You don't see that in golf everyday."

   As Moore and Weber continued through the course, more and more golf fans began to follow. When Moore had finally completed his round, he had shot a 117. The crowd applauded his amazing score.

   "Can you imagine having the strength to wake up in the morning and play a round of golf after sleeping with a woman like that? The guy's a world-class champion," stated U.S. Open winner Lucas Glover.

   The next day, citing a sore back due to "way too much sex last night", Matt Moore pulled himself out of contention, much to his fans' dismay.

   "I bought these tickets for $100 each, and you're telling me I can't even get a glimpse of Miss Idaho?" questioned an anonymous fan at the gate of Bethpage Black.

   Due to the extraordinary circumstances of Matt Moore's play at Bethpage, it was believed he should be crowned the winner regardless of the outcome.

   "To be honest, I was going to concede the trophy to Melissa Weber herself, but (USGA president) Jim Vernon mumbled something about there being a ladies champion," explained Glover. "So I conceded to Matt instead. That kid deserves all the respect in the world."

   Moore and Weber were unavailable to be presented with the trophy, due to a "medical examination."

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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 23 June 2009 )
 

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